I have asked myself this question over and over throughout the years. Each time I go to a retreat and have an incredible encounter with God, it is always such a shock to return to normal life, realizing that almost everything around me has not changed. A friend will ask me, "So, how was it?," and there will literally be no words to describe the depth and the breadth of the experience. The changes are not external, like when I loose weight, or get a haircut, and suddenly everyone around me is stopping to comment on the change. When those changes occur, I receive affirmation and praise for the change that is so obvious to everyone else. And have you ever had that experience, like I often do, when someone comments on something being different, and you really have no idea what they are talking about? When the changes are external, it is obvious to everyone we meet. They notice the changes that we often miss in ourselves.
But when you truly have an experience meeting with God, and the Holy Spirit does an incredible work deep down in the core of your belief system, the changes are not always evident on the outside. If someone passed me on the street today, there would be nothing about my demeanor or behavior that would clue them in to the fact that I have fundamentally been changed at the core of my identity. I feel like I have had this mountaintop experience, almost like Moses on Mount Sinai, and I expect to come down the mountain, radiant and glowing for everyone to be able to see the deep changes that have occurred. But, unlike Moses, my experience with God has changed me on the inside, where no one but me can see, or notice the difference.
After the last two and a half weeks, both literally and figuratively up on the the mountain, I am struggling to figure out who I am in context of the world around me. I feel like a completely different person inside, and therefore, I keep expecting everyone to comment on how dramatic the difference is. But no one really seems to notice. If they stop and watch my behavior, or listen to what I say, then the little differences become evident, but only to someone who REALLY knows me.
I am also beginning to realize that this is the exact same reason why it was so easy for me to hide all of the challenges and struggles that I have been facing over the past few years. The battle was not one that could be seen from the outside. The bloody war that was being waged against my self-esteem and feelings of significance and security were almost completely invisible to everyone that I came into contact with. There were a handful that would notice small changes where my behavior or words began to reflect to a very small degree the depth of the wounds that I had sustained. But in the end, no one but me knew quite how bad things were. If I wasn't bleeding on the outside, there was no way they could know what was happening on the inside.
God has recently reminded me that He has the keys to victory, and that the battle has already been won. He has promised to fight alongside me, stretching out His hand to sustain the blows that would have leveled me, and to shield me when I was too weak to stand. But instead of embracing that promise, and allowing Him to fight by my side, I pushed Him away. I told Him to stand on the sidelines while I fought my own battles. He sent me loving and caring relationships to try and help in the fight, and I pushed them aside one by one, preferring to fight alone, and believing that I had the strength to wage this war without any help. I now realize that I was not designed to fight alone. I can only be as strong as the person that I lean on, and the group of people that come alongside me. Only together can we work toward the victory ppromised, and those people need me to help them in their struggles just as much as I need them to face mine.
Well, the changes in me may not be visible on the outside, but they are profound. When you see me pass by today, know that although the outside still looks the same, my heart has been renewed and transformed by the work of the Holy Spirit. I have been changed, and I choose to allow others to join me in the battle for freedom, peace, and community. I choose to accept the promises that God has given me to give me hope and a future, and to never leave my side. I will never walk alone, and I choose to allow others to walk alongside me in this journey.
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