God's will for my life is purple

A local pastor came into the office here in Germany today, and we were talking again about decision making and the will of God.  As we were chatting, he brought up some very interesting things regarding the ancient way of viewing the world.  In ancient Greek thinking, there was the idea of things being either one thing or another.  So, something could be either red, or it could be blue, but there was absolutely no way for it to be both.  In ancient Hebrew thinking, however, something could possess two seemingly opposing qualities at the same time, and therefore be equally both.  So to the Hebrew mind, something could have characteristics of being red at the same time of having characteristics of being blue.  In essence, something could be both red and blue at the same time.

Applying this concept to God’s will, many people (myself included) have come to the Greek conclusion that God’s will for my life must be either A or B.  If I choose A, but it turns out that God’s will for my life was B, then I am outside of God’s will, and I want to avoid that at all costs.  This means that I spend all day just trying to figure out if God wants me to be red or if he wants me to be blue (And I usually never get around to being either of them since I have spent all of my time worrying about which one I SHOULD be).  But, if I start to believe that God’s will for my life is more about who I am in relationship with him than about what I do, then I start to adopt a more Hebrew way of thinking about God’s will in my life.  If God’s will for my life is not dependent on the specific details of where I am, what job I do, or who I marry, then it is not A or B, Red or Blue, but it can be either and it can be both.  As my boss said, “If it’s both red AND blue, then it’s purple!”  So, I have decided to embrace the fact that God’s will for my life is purple (and the fact that half of my wardrobe is that color, since it happens to be my favorite…well, that is just a minor detail).  ;)

Coming down from the mountian

How do you transition back into normal life after coming down from a mountaintop experience?

I have asked myself this question over and over throughout the years.  Each time I go to a retreat and have an incredible encounter with God, it is always such a shock to return to normal life, realizing that almost everything around me has not changed.  A friend will ask me, "So, how was it?," and there will literally be no words to describe the depth and the breadth of the experience.  The changes are not external, like when I loose weight, or get a haircut, and suddenly everyone around me is stopping to comment on the change.  When those changes occur, I receive affirmation and praise for the change that is so obvious to everyone else.  And have you ever had that experience, like I often do, when someone comments on something being different, and you really have no idea what they are talking about?  When the changes are external, it is obvious to everyone we meet.  They notice the changes that we often miss in ourselves.

But when you truly have an experience meeting with God, and the Holy Spirit does an incredible work deep down in the core of your belief system, the changes are not always evident on the outside.  If someone passed me on the street today, there would be nothing about my demeanor or behavior that would clue them in to the fact that I have fundamentally been changed at the core of my identity.  I feel like I have had this mountaintop experience, almost like Moses on Mount Sinai, and I expect to come down the mountain, radiant and glowing for everyone to be able to see the deep changes that have occurred.  But, unlike Moses, my experience with God has changed me on the inside, where no one but me can see, or notice the difference.

After the last two and a half weeks, both literally and figuratively up on the the mountain, I am struggling to figure out who I am in context of the world around me.  I feel like a completely different person inside, and therefore, I keep expecting everyone to comment on how dramatic the difference is.  But no one really seems to notice.  If they stop and watch my behavior, or listen to what I say, then the little differences become evident, but only to someone who REALLY knows me.

I am also beginning to realize that this is the exact same reason why it was so easy for me to hide all of the challenges and struggles that I have been facing over the past few years.  The battle was not one that could be seen from the outside.  The bloody war that was being waged against my self-esteem and feelings of significance and security were almost completely invisible to everyone that I came into contact with.  There were a handful that would notice small changes where my behavior or words began to reflect to a very small degree the depth of the wounds that I had sustained.  But in the end, no one but me knew quite how bad things were.  If I wasn't bleeding on the outside, there was no way they could know what was happening on the inside.

God has recently reminded me that He has the keys to victory, and that the battle has already been won.  He has promised to fight alongside me, stretching out His hand to sustain the blows that would have leveled me, and to shield me when I was too weak to stand.  But instead of embracing that promise, and allowing Him to fight by my side, I pushed Him away.  I told Him to stand on the sidelines while I fought my own battles.  He sent me loving and caring relationships to try and help in the fight, and I pushed them aside one by one, preferring to fight alone, and believing that I had the strength to wage this war without any help.  I now realize that I was not designed to fight alone.  I can only be as strong as the person that I lean on, and the group of people that come alongside me.  Only together can we work toward the victory ppromised, and those people need me to help them in their struggles just as much as I need them to face mine.

Well, the changes in me may not be visible on the outside, but they are profound.  When you see me pass by today, know that although the outside still looks the same, my heart has been renewed and transformed by the work of the Holy Spirit.  I have been changed, and I choose to allow others to join me in the battle for freedom, peace, and community.  I choose to accept the promises that God has given me to give me hope and a future, and to never leave my side.  I will never walk alone, and I choose to allow others to walk alongside me in this journey.

A pause in the chaos of life

In this day and age, our everyday lives have become a symphony of chaos. 

I wake up, stumble through the morning until I can find a cup of coffee, and then rush through the next half an hour trying to get ready for the day.  The rest of the day is usually one crisis after another.  An urgent email.  A phone call asking for a status update.  An urgent payment request.  Then, there are the tasks that I need to accomplish because there are people around the world waiting for me to get back to them for something or other.  Somewhere in the middle of the day, there is a pause for lunch, which often ends up happening at my desk, or on the run.  By the afternoon, there is barely enough time to run to the gym, figure something out for dinner, and by 8pm, find myself so exhausted, there is just enough time to watch a little television or read something before falling asleep, and then starting the whole thing over again the next day. 

And the weekends are not much better.  There is no work to be done, but there are always things that make it onto the to-do list.  Usually there are more things that I want to do than that I actually have the time for.  There are Bible studies to attend, groceries to buy, errands to run, friends to see, and things to do.  It doesn’t seem to matter how much time I have, because there is always something that needs to be done, and never enough time to do it in.

The funny thing is that I LOVE living life at this chaotic pace.  If I have a day before me with nothing to do, I somehow manage to create something that is urgent enough that it MUST be completed before the day is over.  And if I don’t, then there is always something mindless to fill my time with (like television, movies, books, Facebook, or browsing Pintrest for the next recipe that I want to experiment with).  With the internet available on my phone, tablet, and laptop, there is never an excuse to be without something to do, something to read, or something to distract me from myself.

For the past week, I have been enjoying having nothing to do other than visiting with friends, and just enjoying life.  But even then, I have found that when I am left with the smallest amount of time on my own, I immediately want to fill my time with something.  I feel like spending time just sitting and thinking is somehow not being productive, and therefore should be avoided at all costs.  I will pick up a book, or connect to the internet, respond to emails…anything to avoid just sitting and doing nothing.

A couple of days ago, I arrived in Valencia, Spain, where I will be for the next 2 weeks, attending a course called Face to Face (see http://www.face2face.om.org/ for more information).  I have been really looking forward to this time of teaching and reflection, and the opportunity to really process the last 5 years of my time working with OM, as well as everything that has been happening this past year.  But I somehow expected that the moment we all walked in the door, it would be non-stop teaching and activities.  Especially while trying to cover so many topics, and get to know so many people is such a limited amount of time.

What I did not expect was to have nothing to do.

On the first day, we were given a few hours of free time, but since so many people were still suffering from jet-lag, it did not seem too strange to allow the time for everyone to adjust to their surroundings.  Then, on day 2, we had teaching throughout the morning, and everything was lining up, just as expected.  But after lunch, we were given 3 hours, with … nothing.  We came back for an evening session, had dinner, and then nothing.  This morning, we had a late breakfast (if people even wanted to come),  and then, you guessed it… nothing!  In fact, I think there is only about 2 hours of activity planned for the afternoon, and the rest of the day nothing.  No church, no bible studies, no errands to run (there aren’t even any stores open in Spain on Sunday, so walking in to the little village nearby would not even accomplish anything).

And I realized this morning, that I have no idea how to do nothing!  I know how to stay busy, and I know how to be productive.  I know how to waste time, and to entertain myself.  But I literally have no idea how to do nothing. 

I also realized that it is very rare for anyone to stop in the midst of the chaos that is their daily life, and just stop long enough to think and reflect.  And even if they do manage to stop long enough to really think and reflect on their day or their life, it is even more rare for someone to stop and ponder the question, “Who am I?”  So many people define themselves by the work that they do, by their position in society, or by the relationships that they have with others.  But very few people really know who they are outside of those external things that they feel define themselves.  So, when that person loses their job, goes through a transition, or a key relationship in their life is broken through anger, misunderstanding, death, or even just the simple separation of distance… the person no longer knows how to function.  They have no idea who they are apart from that critical pillar that they have constructed their identity around.

It will be very interesting to see how this course progresses and what happens when a group of 25 people from around the world, come together, and stop in the chaos of life, work and ministry, just to reflect on those three little words… “Who am I?” and how do I retain the truth of how God sees me, and the value I have to Him and to others even when the circumstances of my life ebb and flow around me?

I am starting to discover some new and interesting aspects of who I am as a daughter of God, and I can already tell that the next 2 weeks will not only be pivotal, but will be life changing as well!

Life's little surprises

with Laura Grandville eating lunch in Denia, Spain

Sometimes life takes you to interesting places that you never could have imagined.  

You are just living your life, trying to figure out what on earth God is doing 

(especially when life seems to be going nowhere special), 

and it turns out that He has something incredible planned for you, just around the corner.

Just a little over 2 years ago, I was living in Germany with my roommate, Karin, in Mosbach, while we were both working for OM.  Just about the time I started to think it was time to transfer to our US office, Karin had just met her future husband.  Now, fast forward two years, and Karin is now living in the south of Spain where her husband, Conrado, runs his own company selling organic dog food (it is actually quite impressive, and a really great product...check out http://www.luposan.de/en/ for more info).  Then, just about the time Karin was starting to adjust to life in Spain, and they were surprised by their little miracle baby, Laura.  She is now  almost 8 months old, and I promise you, she is the happiest baby I have ever seen.  She smiles at everyone and everything, and brings so much joy into the world and into this little corner of Spain.  She has been a blessing, not only to Conrado and Karin, but to everyone that she meets!

I look back at our lives 2 years ago, and it is so amazing to see what God had planned for both of us.  It has been a true blessing to be able to visit, even for a short time.  It has shown me once again, that just about the time we are ready to doubt God's plans for our lives, He is ready to step in and surprise us.  He is constantly working in the background, and behind the scenes.  If we just trust that He is at work, and continue to live our lives for Him, it is amazing the things that He can do with a life that is dedicated to Him!

Home is where the heart is

There is something truly amazing about returning to a place that once felt like home.  Even when it is halfway around the world from your actual home, it is always the people that make a home a home, and regardless of where life takes you, that feeling remains.  As I sit here and watch the sunrise over the ocean, I feel at peace, and like I have come home.

7 years ago, when I lived in Barcelona, there was a family that took me in under their wing and treated me like one of the family.  We had meals together, went to church together, and I would even come down the coast to their home for the weekend, and would make cinnamon rolls with them every time I came.
So, yesterday, when I came up the coast by train, it truly felt like coming home.  ;)  Their children are all grown up, one married, one has become a teacher and lives just down the street.  And their youngest, who was just a 12 year old kid when I knew him, has now grown up, graduated from school, and is planning to move to Hawaii next year. 

But even in the midst of all of the things that have changed, making cinnamon rolls last night, and then joining with the family around the table for dinner, it was truly a deep feeling of having come home.

An afternoon stroll to the beach

There is something truly wonderful about a day without much planned and nothing that has to be done.  I don't think that I have truly had time off quite like this is a really long time.

For three days, I have just enjoyed spending time reconnecting with my friends Rick and Ellen.  When I lived in Barcelona 7 years ago, Rick was my boss while I worked as the office manager for Mercy Ships, Spain.  This is the first time I have been back to Spain since 2006, so it has been exciting to meet old friends and return to several familiar places and eating my favorite foods.

Rick and Ellen now have two of the cutest little girls, so we have been going to the park, reading books and playing in the apartment.  It has been so peaceful and relaxing to do nothing more than entertain 4 year old Emma and 1 1/2 year old Julia.

Today we went to church in the morning, then played all afternoon.  We even walked down to the beach, ate ice cream and drank Horchata (a sweet drink that you can only get in Spain....not like the Mexican version that is made out of rice).

Life is good!

On the Road (er, Plane) Again...

This has definitely been one of the most complicated trips to get from point A (Phoenix, Arizona, USA) to point B (Barcelona, Spain).  You might ask, "But aren't there direct flights to Barcelona from the US?"  And you would be correct.  But, like the typical missionary that I am, I can never choose the most direct route anywhere!

So, on Wednesday morning, I woke up at 4:45am (GMT-8) so that I could make it to the airport to catch my 8:30am flight to Charlotte, NC.  So far so good.  Relatively uneventful, and I even had an exit row seat, so life was going pretty well for my first 4 hours of flight.

We arrived in Charlotte, and I meandered my way through the airport to make it to my next flight.  A relatively short hour and a half later, I was on my flight to Frankfurt, Germany (all 7 1/2 hours of it).  And here is where the story gets fun.  I managed to get a seat near the front of the plane, in the center, but on the aisle.  And the next thing I knew, the flight attendants were closing the doors, and all 3 seats next to me were completely empty!  That is right, I had the ENTIRE middle row of 4 seats all to myself!  And the plane was not even that empty.  I am convinced that someone somewhere was praying for me, and God decided to take pity on me for the beginning of my journey.

Only downfall?  Yep, it was only 3pm back home, and I was expected to fall asleep this early in my journey?  Not happening.  Oh well, at least I was able to lay completely flat for the entire trip, even if I didn't end up getting any sleep.

So, after a relatively comfortable and relaxing flight, I arrive in Germany at 6:30am (GMT+1), which would have been great if that was my final destination.  But, no luck.  I had a 7-HOUR layover before the next leg of my journey would begin.  Again, thanks to God's provision, I was able to find a seat that reclined and allowed me to put my feet up for a few hours.  I even managed to get 3 hours of work done while I was trying to keep awake.

Then, at 2:30pm, I was able to board my next flight from Frankfurt to Zurich, Switzerland.  This flight was only an hour long, and they made sure to serve lots of free swiss chocolate on the flight, so I was really happy.

After arriving in Zurich, I had another 2 hour layover before my final flight to Barcelona.  The one redeeming thing about this particular layover was that the Lindt chocolate seller in the airport was giving out free samples of dark chocolate truffles.  I am definitely a fan of flying through Switzerland if it means getting this much free chocolate!  They sure do know how to make a chocoholic like me happy!

So, back on-board my 4th flight of the day.  The photo above was taken on this flight as we flew over the Matterhorn.  Since this was my first time in Switzerland, this is as close as I have ever been to the Swiss Alps, and it was a pretty incredible sight.  After a relatively short hour and a half, I landed in Barcelona, Spain at 7:30pm (GMT+1)...so door to door, a little less than 30 hours of travel, but at least I arrived in one piece, and filled with chocolate!